Each time I make up my mind to finally put up a post on this blog for the first time in a long while, something happens and I end up not doing it. I set up my PC, put on my hot-spot, connect my system, go to wordpress.com, log in, open a new post page, set my fingers over the keyboard and then…nothing.
Nothing in the sense that a whole lot has gone on with me and all these things have lifted me and placed me in a corner. in this corner, I have gained a quiet perspective to life. I just sit around in this corner and I am calm, reluctant and I oddly smile more than I used to.
You see, towards the end of last year I went through what I would call am emotional hurricane and to be honest with you all, I cannot even pinpoint what exactly triggered it but I woke up one morning and told myself: “you are not okay”.
I wasn’t okay.
My head was filled with things that felt like smoke. it felt like there was hot water boiling somewhere filling my head with steam, gas, smoke or the likes of it. I wasn’t confused but I wasn’t decisive. I was oddly very aware of my surrounding but I ignored it. When I moved about, it felt like I was accompanied by three versions of me that we’re about 3 seconds behind each other in time. It honestly felt like I was fading away.
I didn’t know the cause and I didnt know the cure. It stopped and I must say it changed me. Was this a metamorphosis of some sort or a transition? Was this me moving between paradigms and thought forms? Because right now it feels like I am high on an overdose of calmness and freedom. Right now it feels like my shadow is trapped within me and is not interested in letting itself out because it in the true sense is free. Is this a good thing?
Has it finally happened? Have I finally grown up?
I wouldn’t say I’m impressed with this change because to me it feels like it had to happen. It feels like a confusing form of puberty. It feels oddly quiet like its a conclusion of some sort.